Baby Blues
by Paisley Mae
Summary: Olivia Benson is forty-five years old, she's married to her job, and she has a boyfriend who's never home because he's supposedly "undercover." What happens when she learns she's pregnant AND the real reason Brian is never home all in the same day? Let's just say this...he's not undercover.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: It's been a while since I've written or read Bensidy fanfics, so I have no idea if this story has been done. It, like many of my stories, is based off a dream that I had.**

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><p>Tears welled in Olivia Benson's eyes as she stared intently at the faint plus sign. She exhaled slowly as she sat on the toilet seat. It couldn't be happening. Not now. She was forty-five years old, and she had given up on having children years ago. She had sold her soul to her job. Work was her life, as it had been for more than twenty years.<p>

It wasn't that she didn't love children. She did. She loved them very much. In fact, she had applied to adopt about five years ago. They turned her down. Why wouldn't they? She was a single woman who was committed to her job. She didn't have time to raise a child. Who would be responsible for her child when she was at work? A babysitter. That was no life to force upon a child. A child needed a mother to read to her goodnight stories; a child needed a father to take him to basketball games. It wasn't fair to bring a child into a world knowing you couldn't provide to him or her two loving parents.

Olivia's head collapsed in her hands. She had never had any of that. Her mother was a teacher by day and a drunk by night. The pit of her stomach tightened as she thought of the bottle of wine sitting on her living room end table. She felt nauseous.

She dashed out of the bathroom and grabbed the half-finished bottle of wine and poured it down the kitchen sink. Her salty tears fell behind the wine. She swung open the refrigerator and pulled out a newly purchased bottle of wine that hadn't even been opened. She opened the bottle and emptied the bottle as well.

Her throat burned. She smashed the bottles, watching them break, and tossed them into the trash can. Her head was spinning.

Where the fuck was Brian?

Brian Cassidy. Her _boyfriend_, though she thought she was much too old to use the term. She preferred to think of him as her companion. She hadn't seen Brian in a week. He was, or so he claimed, undercover—again. It was the third time this month he had been undercover. The first time was three days. Then five. Now an entire fucking week?

Just when she thought their relationship was moving in the right direction, Brian started working for Internal Affairs. And of course, it was the only way he could get his detective shield back. Deep down, Olivia knew that Tucker had devised it as a plan to mess with her life. He couldn't just let her be happy.

Now, it was like her and Brian's relationship was spiraling downward. Olivia didn't even know if he wanted a baby. He was never around, and when he was, it wasn't like they talked. They couldn't if they wanted to, since their entire days were off limits. Brian couldn't talk about his work, and Olivia didn't want to risk saying something to Brian that could get back to Internal Affairs.

Their relationship now consisted purely of sex. Sex didn't require them to talk, and it was relaxing. But even the sex wasn't as mind-blowing as it was in the early days of their relationship. Olivia could feel them drifting apart, and she was scared. She was scared of being alone. She was afraid that Brian would get bored of her and just leave her. She was afraid that he was lying about being undercover, and in reality, he was already seeing someone else. She was afraid that she'd wasted the last year and a half of her life.

So much had happened, yet Brian had stayed by her side. He didn't have to move in with her after her attack, but he did. In fact, it had been in his idea that they get a place together. She, of course, was resilient. She hadn't shared a place with someone else since college. The idea was truly terrifying. Plus, moving in with a guy was a big step. It was like _the _next step. Commitment. It terrified her more than Brian leaving her. Because if she did trust Brian. If she did commit to him. If she allowed herself to _love _him, then the heart break could kill her if he left. She'd been there and done that. And the idea of feeling that kind of pain again was truly devastating. She couldn't imagine it.

She poured a glass of water and took a seat on the couch as she drowned in her tears. She sipped slowly on the water.

_Pregnant, _Olivia thought. _I'm pregnant. _Her head spun. It couldn't be so. Then again, pregnancy tests did give off false positive. Though, she was aware that false negatives were far more common than false negatives. She was two weeks late. She'd never been two weeks late in her late. Her first thought had been menopause. She was at that age. The age women stopped ovulating. But a piece of her still held onto hope. Hope that her body could still naturally produce a child. She'd always wanted a little one of her own.

She found herself watching the little ones in the park. Or in the grocery store. She watched the young mothers who pushed their young'uns in their strollers on the sidewalk. She'd worked with hundreds of kids over the years. Kids would always have a special place in her heart. She rested her palm on her flat stomach and imagined that a baby could be growing inside her own womb. It all seemed so surreal.

Then she thought of Brian.

What if she didn't want a baby? What if he ditched? They'd never talked about children. How could they when they were always working? He teased her that her job would always come before him; that he had been right fifteen years ago when he said that her job would always be an affair.

They weren't even married. On the contrary, what if he wanted to get married? She tried to picture herself in a white gown, her belly swollen, as she walked down the aisle. She felt like a pregnant teenager, whose parents forced her to get married because she was pregnant.

She didn't want that. She didn't want to get married just because she was pregnant. That wouldn't be fair to her baby. She wanted to get married because she was in love and loved back. At this point, she didn't even know if Brian truly loved her. She didn't know what to think.

She flinched when she heard a key in the door. Her heart pounded as she slowly reached for her gun, just in case.

The door creaked open.

"Afternoon, Sunshine," Brian said. He chuckled when he saw Olivia holding her gun. "I don't know why you grab your gun every time I come home. The door's locked, and that you and I are the only ones with keys." He held up his shiny silver key.

"I know," Olivia replied tartly, adding, "but you never know."

He shrugged. "Anyway, I was hoping you'd be home." His eyes focused on her glass of water. "Let me pour you a glass of wine. There's something I need to talk to you about."

She bit her lip. "Actually, that's funny, because there's something I need to talk to you about, too." She watched as Brian went into the kitchen and opened the alcohol-free refrigerator.

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><p><strong>So what do you think Brian's secret is? Couple things: This story is 1000000% Bensidy. Elliot DOES NOT and WILL NOT return, and Nick and Olivia are just friends. I'm also going to try to portray Olivia and Brian's relationship as realistic as possible, so no, it won't be all sunshine and daisies.<br>**


	2. Chapter 2

Brian froze for a moment, dumbstruck, and then he turned toward Liv. His eyes focused on the empty wine glass that stood upright on the end table. Drippings of red wine still lingered in the bottom of the glass. It was from last night, before the thought the possibility of pregnancy even crossed her mind. Her stomach tightened. It was true. She had been drinking more than before lately. She felt sick just thinking about how much liquor had entered her system over the last few weeks since her promotion. She was, without a doubt, under more stress than she was used to. Being in charge of her unit was certainly panning out to be more difficult than she had planned it would be.

Olivia Benson had never set out to be in charge. Some people became police officers with the outright goal to become police commissioner. Some people were born with that drive to be on top. To be in charge. That wasn't Olivia. She became a police officer because she wanted to help victims, like her mother. She wanted to seek justice for the victims. Her entire life mission was about getting the criminals off the streets so fewer women would have to go through what her mother had. So fewer women and men would become victims of violent crimes. It wasn't about being the best detective for her. All that mattered was making a difference. Helping someone in need.

Every time she captured a rapist, she felt a surge of adrenaline. There was no better feeling in the world than knowing you'd taken a creep off the streets. It was a high comparable to no other.

She didn't want to be sergeant. She didn't want to be in charge. But she'd been a detective for twenty years. And she was a damn good detective, too. She didn't consider herself to be an arrogant person. Nor did she think she was better than everyone else. Hell, she knew there were better detectives than her out there somewhere. However, she did know she was good. She wasn't the type of person who bragged about it, though.

For two years she'd listened to everyone and their brother ask her when she was going to go to the next level. She'd told them she wasn't ready. She was happy with simply being an SVU detective. She'd done it for over fifteen years. It was what she knew how to do best, and she would be content doing it for the rest of her life.

Then word of Sergeant Munch's retirement got out. And then Cragen's. The two men she'd considered her mentors were leaving. The last of the squad that had been with Special Victims in 1999 when she first started working at SVU were leaving her behind. It was a lot to take in for her. After all, it seemed just like yesterday that she was the new kid on the block. Now she was the veteran.

Per her captain's request, she took the sergeant's exam and passed with flying colors. Now she was in charge of the Special Victims Unit. The unit was her unit. Her baby.

_Her baby._

She was married to her job and her detectives were her children. They were her responsibility now. If they screwed up, it reflected badly on her. She had to have her eyes and ears not only on the victims, but now she had to have them on her whole squad too.

Letting go was hard. Telling her detectives what to do and sitting back wasn't easy. She was supposed to be able to tell them where to go and be able to sit back. It wasn't that easy. She liked to be front and center. She was used to having personal relationships with the victims, and talking to them first-hand. The idea of sitting back and watching others do the job she'd done for years was proving to be more difficult than she'd expected.

She didn't know how Cragen had done it for so long. But one thing was for certain. She understood why he had turned to alcohol.

Brian locked eyes with her. "Liv, what's going on? You always have an extra bottle of wine in the refrigerator."

Olivia swallowed, trying to find the right words to say. She came up blank.

"We're not out of alcohol, are we? Did you drink it all? Liv, gosh, I know you've been drinking a lot lately, but are you sure it's not getting out of hand?"

"Are you implying I'm an alcoholic?" Olivia spat. Her heart sank. "No, Brian. I'm not. And, actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, but why don't you tell me what you want to talk to me about first?"

Brian sighed, taking a Pepsi from the refrigerator. He took a seat next to Liv on the couch.

"I just don't want anything to happen to you is all, Liv. And Tucker's already down my throat. If he finds out you're an alcoholic and I knew and didn't say anything…"

"Of course it's all about your loverboy Tucker," Olivia rolled her eyes.

"That's disgusting," Brian replied flatly, making a face.

"Why is Tucker down your throat?" Olivia asked.

"See, that's what I need to talk to you about," Brian sighed. "I haven't been completely honest with you lately, and I think it's time you know the truth. I haven't been undercover this past week. In fact, I haven't been undercover at all the past few times I've told you I was."

"Brian, if you're having an affair…"

"What?" Brian spat, choking on the soda he'd just sipped. He coughed a few times and gasped. "Liv, I'm not having an affair. I would never cheat on you."

"Oh, well, that's good to know," Olivia replied, releasing a sigh of relief. She had prepared herself for the worst, though she hoped for the best. If Brian hadn't been undercover, then where the hell had he been? She hated liars. She hated that Brian had been lying to her. She just hoped that he had a damn good reason for lying to her. Her blood started to boil. The father of her unborn child had been lying to her about his whereabouts. She had a right to be pissed. She clenched her fists together tightly and inhaled a deep breath.

"I'm not cheating," Brian said again as he reached into his pocket and pulled his wallet out. He opened it and pulled out a wallet-sized photo. He handed the picture to Olivia, and she studied the photo. It was a colored photo of a little boy. He was wearing a black T-shirt. He had brown eyes and had a head full of messy brown hair. His skin was pale, and his pale pink lips were pressed together to form a smile. She turned the photo over and saw someone had handwritten in neatly in black pen. _Cooper, third grade, fall 2013_. The handwriting was clearly not Brian's, because it was too neat. The handwriting looked female. She imagined that a woman had written it.

"Bri, who is this?" Liv asked hoarsely.

"He's my son," Brian answered.

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><p><strong>AN: I forgot how awesome SVU reviewers are. :) Thanks to everyone who's reviewed! I'm going to try to update as often as possible. I know I have a horrible track record for not updating, but I do know where this is going.**


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia's entire body throbbed. Her heart pounded rapidly in her chest. Her blood boiled. Her head spun as she tried to digest Brian's words. _He's my son. _She studied the picture closer and the resemblance was clear as day. Olivia didn't even have to ask Brian if he was sure. She yearned to know more, though, but she was also nervous. Brian said he wasn't cheating on her, and she did believe him when he said that.

"I-I don't understand," Olivia stuttered. Her brain was still processing the fact that Brian had been hiding such pertinent information from her. "Who's the mother? Why would you hide this from me, Brian?" She didn't know what to think or how to react. She wasn't sure if she was even upset. Her temples ached as she suffered from confusion.

"I gotta say, Liv, I think you're asking the wrong questions," Brian responded harshly. She rolled her eyes. She hated when he used that as a response to her questions.

"That's not fair, Brian," Olivia replied bitterly. She stood up and stormed into the kitchen with her empty glass. She filled the glass with tap water as Brian walked behind her.

"You don't know her, Liv," Brian said. "I didn't know Cooper existed until about six weeks ago. I was gonna tell you, Liv, but the time just wasn't right. With all that's been going on, between me working for Internal Affairs, I was afraid you'd freak out. Like you are now."

"I'm not freaking out," Olivia replied softly. She swallowed a sip of water and took a deep breath. "I'm just. . .surprised. You kind of dropped a bombshell on me that I wasn't expecting." She inched closer to Brian and put her hand on his shoulder. "Tell me more. Tell me everything about Cooper."

"Right," Brian sighed, and they went back into the living room and both sat on the couch. Brian turned toward Olivia and explained, "About nine years ago, I met a woman in a bar. I didn't even know her name. I was lonely, and well, you don't need the details of what happened next. Then, six weeks ago this woman showed up at my work. I didn't even recognize her at first, but she recognized my picture in a news article. The one about 12th precinct. She jogged my memory, and then she told me we had a son together. I thought she was crazy at first, and I didn't want to believe he was mine. But then I met him. A father knows his own son, Liv."

"So you've been disappearing for days at a time to spend time with him?" Olivia asked.

He nodded. "That," Brian said, "and there's something else."

"What?" Olivia asked. Olivia's heart rate quickened, and she wondered what else Brian could possibly drop on her now.

"Carin, Cooper's mother, has been diagnosed with stage four brain cancer. The doctors have told her there's nothing else they can do. She's getting worse and has been in the hospital a lot, so I've been going and staying with Coop on their farm in Upstate New York. The first time I went was after Carin crashed her car, with Cooper in the back seat. Luckily, Coop managed to escape with just a scratch on his head. The second time, Carin blacked out in the kitchen and was omitted to the hospital. This last time, she was in a coma for three days. They didn't think she was going to wake up, but she did. But she's extremely weak. Both her parents are dead, and she was an only child. When I'm not there, he's been staying with a neighbor up the street."

Olivia noticed Brian's eyes were shining, like he was holding back tear drops. Olivia's favorite thing about Brian was, even though he tried to come off as a bad ass, he was actually one of the most sensitive guys she knew. The man had a heart of gold. And when he cared about someone, he would do anything to protect them.

Olivia's eyes widened. "Oh, my God. Poor kid."

"The doctors say it's unlikely Carin will make it until the end of the week. Coop's been spending a lot of time with his mother these past few days, to say goodbye," Brian said. "I tried to convince him to come home with me, so I could introduce him to you in person, but he wouldn't leave his mother's bedside. A kid shouldn't have to see his mother like that." Brian shook his head and placed his face in his palms. "And Tucker called me this morning belly-aching. I called in sick to work all last week when I was with Cooper. Tucker threatened to fire me this morning."

"Bri, what are you going to do?" Olivia asked, trying to digest everything she'd just learned. In the back of her mind, she was thinking about the pregnancy test. The baby. She looked at Brian and saw that he had so much on his plate right now. She felt bad. She didn't want to add more to it. She bit her lip.

"I don't know, Liv," Brian whispered. "I don't know what I'm going to do. But I need to be with Coop. I was hoping you'd go with me. I've told him so much about you. He's a good kid, Liv. A good kid who deserves to have a mom and a dad."

Olivia swallowed, knowing what Brian was implying. "What about your job?"

"What about it?" Brian asked. "It's done nothing but cause trouble. If Tucker takes my shield, then he takes it. I guess I'll go back to working at the Bronx Courthouse. I need to be there for this kid, and I'm hoping you'll stand by me. Will you?"

Liv's face froze and her hand lingered over her own stomach. _Oh, Bri, _she thought. Tears welled in her eyes, and she rested her head against Brian's shoulder. "I'm here for you," she said. "I am."

"Good," Brian said. "Now, what was it that you wanted to tell me?"

"Huh?" Olivia asked, and she thought about the pregnancy test. She thought about the fact that she was carrying his child. And then she thought about Cooper. The little boy who was about to lose his mother. The little boy who'd just met his father. She thought of Brian. Battling his boss and adjusting to being a father. Could he handle knowing that he had another child on the way? Could she handle telling him? It could wait.

"Oh," Olivia said. "I wanted to tell you that I'm giving up alcohol. I don't want to become like my mother, and you were right, it was starting to get a little out of hand, so, uh, I'm quitting drinking. I think I'm going to start going to AA meetings, too."

"That's it?" inquired Brian, lifting an eyebrow. He shrugged. "Well, good. I'm proud of you." He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer and pressed his lips against her forehead. "You're really amazing, Liv."

She wished she could believe that.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia had agreed to go with Brian to see Cooper. He'd seemed so surprised, almost astonished. She didn't know why he was so shocked. Had he expected her to run? Maybe he had. Truth be told, she didn't know how she was supposed to react. She'd wanted to be a mother for so long, and Brian having a son wasn't the worst thing to happen to them. They'd been through so, so much worse. But, as far as Olivia was concerned, the timing couldn't possibly be worse.

She felt awful for Cooper. He was in the midst of losing his mother. He clearly needed attention and love, and Olivia wasn't sure if she was capable of giving Cooper the sole attention he needed. She had her job… her role as designated baby-sitter of the Special Victims Unit. She had to make sure everything was in order. But that wasn't her biggest concern.

The fact that a living being was growing inside her womb still seemed so surreal. It hadn't set in, and with Brian's news, she had pushed it to the back of her mind. She knew it needed attention, but she couldn't bring herself to focus on it. She was beyond the years that most women were childbearing. She was at an age many women her age were becoming grandmothers. The fact that she was _pregnant _without fertility treatments was a sheer miracle. A rarity. Some might say it was impossible.

Of course, she hadn't even seen a doctor yet. What if it was a false positive? Although rare, they still happened. And with that, she figured it was important to be _absolutely positive _she was pregnant before sharing the news with Brian. The last thing she wanted was to get him all worked up for nothing. He already had enough on his plate with Cooper.

The ride upstate consisted primarily of Brian filling Olivia on everything about Cooper. He was nine years old and had been born on December 19, 2004. Like his father, his favorite color was black. He also shared his father's interest in sports. His favorite baseball team was the Mets. His favorite basketball team was the Knicks. His favorite football team was the Giants. All teams favorites he shared with his father.

He hated reading, but he was good in math and science. He and his mom used to have a bunch of farm animals, but they had to get rid of them when she got sick. He missed his horse, Nikki, the most. A nearby farmer bought her, though, and he visited her often. He was able to keep his golden retriever, Rocket, though, as long as he continued to take care of him.

Cooper was a bit of a loner. He considered his dog his best friend. The other kids teased him because he small and quiet. He had a stutter, that he'd been seeing a speech therapist for since second grade. According to his mother, it was getting better, but he still struggled, especially around strangers. Brian said he'd noticed Cooper's stutter decrease immensely since he'd first met him.

He loved playing baseball and basketball. Brian told Olivia that he and Cooper had gotten in trouble by the nurses for playing catch in the hospital halls.

"You're supposed to be a good role model for him," Olivia chewed Brian out, exhaling slowly, then added sternly, "Not be a nine-year-old too."

"Sorry," Brian sighed. "This whole parenting thing is new to me. I'm still a kid at heart."

Olivia exhaled slowly. _Maybe this is a good thing, _she thought, momentarily imagining Brian holding their newborn baby in his arms. There was a huge difference between a nine-year-old and a newborn. Cooper already had developed a personality of his own. He'd been nurtured by his mother. He seemed like a good kid.

Infants are a lot needier, and there's no room for messing up. One wrong move and they could screw up their child's entire future. Olivia read in a book once that the first five years of a child's life were the most vital. Those nurturing years determined a child's personality. Determined who he or she would become. During the first five years of a child's life, his or her brain is constantly developing at a more rapid pace than it is at any other stage of life.

It couldn't hurt to practice parenting on a child whose brain had already stabilized.

And Olivia was reminded of Calvin. He'd been not much older than Cooper when he'd stayed with her. The idea of getting attached to another child only to have him ripped from her arms again was terrifying.

What if Cooper's mother died and then child services told Brian and her that they weren't fit to keep Cooper? They only had a one bedroom apartment, and their lease wasn't up until September. Sure, they could break the lease, and pay the penalty, but could they really afford that plus the price of a larger apartment or home? Especially if Brian lost his job. Even with her sergeant's raise, she wasn't if it was monetarily possible, especially if they were going to add an infant to their family. A nine-year-old and a baby? It was a lot to take on. She and Brian had a lot to talk about, though she wasn't prepared to discuss it yet.

The ride also consisted of them stopping at practically every rest area.

"It's been a while since I've traveled with a woman. I forgot how weak your bladders are," Brian teased, and Olivia half-smiled, trying not to take offense. Her bladder wasn't normally so weak. She would rather Brian assume it was the "female bladder," though, so she bit her lip.

Brian said they were about twenty minutes from the hospital when Olivia's phone buzzed in her pocket. She saw Amaro's name flash across the screen. "Oh shit," she muttered and answered the phone. "Benson."

"Hey, Liv, we have a twenty-one-year-old female at Mercy who says she was raped at a frat party."

_Great, _she thought and took a deep breath. She noticed Brian give her a quick glance. She exhaled. "Okay, well, you know the drill. Get her statement. Have Fin and Rollins start interviewing people at the party."

"You're not going to meet me at the hospital?"

"I can't, sorry. I'm out of town right now. Besides, you don't need me. You've got this," Olivia said. She saw Brian breathe a sigh of relief.

"You're out of town? Where are you?"

"It doesn't matter, Nick. You can handle the case, right?" she asked sternly.

"I've got it," Nick replied assuredly.

"If there's an emergency call me, but I think you'll just be fine. Tell Fin he's in charge," Olivia said.

"Gotcha, Serge!"

"Good." She disconnected and turned to Brian, who looked completely stunned.

"I was worried there for a moment," Brian admitted. "Thought I'd have to turn around and drive all the way back to New York City. That must have been hard for you."

"Huh?"

"Letting others do the detective work. It's not your cup of tea. You like to be there first hand."

She knew Brian was right. It hadn't been easy, to tell Nick that he, Fin, and Amanda would have to handle the investigation on their own. And truth be told, she was anxious about the whole situation. The idea of her detectives managing an investigation on their own was frightening. She trusted Fin. She'd worked with him the longest, so she knew he'd get the work done. Nick and Amanda – she wasn't so sure about. They'd both been a handful lately, and she knew they had plenty going on in their personal lives. Amanda had been a late a lot lately, and she wasn't sure what Nick's deal was anymore. She thought he was trying to patch his relationship up with Maria, but now she wasn't sure.

She shook her head and brushed her hair out of her face. It wasn't her concern. Whatever was going down in her detective's personal lives didn't matter as long as they were able to get the job done, and she knew Fin would see to it that they did. If they didn't, she knew she would hear about it. She hoped that phone call didn't happen, though, because she had her own life to deal with for a chance. Something she'd never done.

"We're here," Brian said as he pulled into hospital parking lot. The hospital was about half the size of any hospital in New York City.


	5. Chapter 5

Night had set in during their drive. Having lived in New York City for most of her life, aside from the time she'd spent undercover in Oregon, Olivia managed to forget that it was actually pitch dark in some places at night. New York City was a city that never slept; a city that was never dark, aside from after Hurricane Sandy.

Now, Olivia saw miles of darkness surrounding the hospital. It was almost eerie. The only lights came from a few streetlights in the parking lot and the windows of the hospital. That was one thing all hospitals, regardless of the city, had in common. Hospitals never slept. They had to stay open all night because people fell ill at all hours of the night.

Olivia followed Brian, who seemed to know where he was going. He walked past the front desk, which was unattended.

"Excuse me, sir. Visiting hours are over," a female orderly called after him, but Brian avoided her.

"Bri," Olivia said under her breath.

"Don't worry," he huffed. "They don't really enforce the visiting hours. And that orderly is the one who caught Coop and I playing catch in the halls. She's not my biggest fan."

Olivia shrugged, though part of her still felt rebellious as she followed after Brian. It wasn't like she hadn't bended the rules on her own during her years on the force. She had her fair share of secrets, and sneaking into a hospital past visiting hours certainly didn't compare to some of the stunts she had pulled, especially in the past few years. She'd lied for a teenaged girl who'd committed murder. She'd helped a woman take her child away from his father, who also happened to be her rapist.

In fact, she found rebellious Brian to be incredibly sexy.

Brian stopped in front of a room. He peeked in the room then turned to Olivia. "You ready for this?" he whispered as he took her hand.

She nodded. "Why wouldn't I be?"

A few hours ago she learned that she was forty-five years old and pregnant. Then she learned that her boyfriend had a son that he'd been keeping from her. On top of that, his son's mother was on her death bed. Yet, she wasn't freaking out. She was unusually calm. Everything was happening so fast. Maybe it just hadn't set in yet.

She was terrified. She'd spent most of her adult life rescuing children from abusive situations. And then there were the kids she hadn't been able to save. Those were the children whose innocent lives had been taken right under her nose. Olivia Benson loved children. Her heart ached for the kids whose lives she hadn't been able to protect.

Of course her childhood hadn't been the least bit great. She wouldn't wish it upon anyone. No child should have to worry about cleaning their mother's vomit off the floor when they got home from school. No child should have to wonder if their mother would get out of bed to cook them dinner. No child should have to scope the kitchen, while their mother was passed out drunk, hoping to find a cup full of cereal to fill their stomach.

Olivia had parented herself for as long as she could remember. Her mother was an alcoholic and her father was a rapist. What did that say about her?

She'd drained the booze down the sink the minute she'd realized she was pregnant. She wasn't going to put her child through the Hell she'd gone through.

That was assuming she could even have a healthy child.

Pregnancy at her age was a huge risk. She didn't need a doctor to tell her that. The risk of developmental delays and other disorders spiked after the age of forty. She was terrified. What if there was something wrong with her baby?

Olivia stood at the doorway as Brian walked in the room. The room was dim, but she could see a little boy, the one she'd seen in the picture Brian had shown her, lying next to the sleeping woman in a hospital bed. Olivia imagined this was his mother—Carin.

She could hear the heart monitor beating rhythmically. The woman was asleep. Her skin was as pale as a ghost's. Brian tiptoed toward the bed, and the boy's eyes shot as Brian stood over the woman and the boy.

"Brian?" the little boy whispered groggily.

"Hey, little man," Brian smiled with care. There was something different about the smile on Brian's face. Olivia had not seen it before. She felt her heart warming, though. She could tell that Brian earnestly cared about this kid. He often came off as an ass, and he could be rugged. But he cared about his son, even though he hadn't known about him for long. Knowing that gave Olivia hope. Olivia had often wondered if Brian didn't want kids. It wasn't a topic they discussed. But seeing him look at Cooper gave her hope. Could the life she'd only dreamed about actually be coming true?

"Are you here to try to make me go home?"

"Shhh, don't wake your mother." Brian wrapped his arms around the kid and helped him out of bed. "There's someone I want you to meet." He pointed over to the door, and the little boy met eyes with Olivia for the first time. Olivia smiled weakly and waved.

The little boy looked at Brian, and tears welled in his eyes.

"Are you my new mom?" Cooper asked wearily. Olivia's heart sunk, and Carin's heart monitor began to beat erratically.

"Mom!" the little boy cried as he ran over to his mother's bedside and put his arm around Carin. "Someone help my mom!"

Olivia felt her own blood pressure drop causing her to feel lightheaded. The room was spinning. The figures of Brian, Cooper, and Carin blurred. Her stomach ached. She hadn't eaten in hours.

"Liv?" Brian's voice sounded so distant. "Are you okay?"

"_We need help in here!" _she heard Brian scream in a panic as she fell to the cold ground.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm soooo sorry for taking so long to update. I'll admit, the only reason I'm updating right now is because I've had numerous private messages within the last few weeks asking me to update this story, so here you go! I'll try to update again before the summer is over. It's really a challenge for me to write SVU fanfic right now, since my Grey's obsession has been consuming my fanfic-writing.**

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><p>The room was frigid. Chills swept throughout her entire body, and Olivia Benson found herself shivering out of control as she regained consciousness. She coughed into the oxygen mask that covered her mouth, too much oxygen was entering her system. She removed the mask with her hand and scoped out the empty hospital room. She came to the sudden realization that she had in fact fainted. <em>Damn it, <em>she thought. Where the hell was Brian?

She strained her memory to recall the moments leading up to when her body had hit against the ground and, apparently, she'd lost consciousness. The irregular, erratic beating from Carin's heart monitor buzzed in her head. _She's crashing_, she could hear little Cooper crying, begging for help. And then everything went black. Olivia couldn't remember what had happened next.

Clearly, she was lying in a hospital bed. How much time had passed? Ten minutes? Hours? Weeks? She turned her head and noted the darkness outside. Her detective skills were in full force as she also noted the date on the bulletin board in the corner of the room. The date had not changed, so realized she couldn't have been out for long. _Where was Brian? _

She swallowed, and she lowered her hand over her abdomen. _The baby, _she thought. Had she passed out as a result of pregnancy complication? Her stomach turned. Olivia bit her lip. She felt absolutely terrible. Brian didn't even _know _about the baby. He'd just dropped a _huge _bombshell. How would he react? Surely, Brian didn't want a baby now that he had an eight-year-old son of his own who was losing - or had just lost - his mother. The timing was all wrong.

Had she miscarried? Had she had an ectopic pregnancy? Olivia had never been pregnant. She wasn't a doctor. But she'd done her fair share of research, and she'd seen about everything imaginable during her years on the force. She wasn't ignorant to the list of complication that could arise, especially given her age. The possibility of her getting pregnant at forty-five years old without some sort of fertility treatment was virtually a miracle. The possibility of her having an uncomplicated pregnancy was even _more _of a miracle. It just didn't happen every day.

It did, however, happen, as rare as it was. Olivia Benson didn't believe for a second that she would be capable of successfully carrying a baby to term, barring all complications. Good things like that just didn't happen to her. She'd been through Hell, time and time again. She'd begun to accept that some people were put into the world to feel the wrath of all evil, and she was one of those people. That wasn't to say she didn't count her blessings. Certainly, there were people who had it a lot worse than she did.

After all, she had a roof over her head, food on her table, and great colleagues and friends. That's more than over half of the world could say. She should be thankful for that, and she was.

That didn't stop her from wanting more. She'd had baby fever for a long time, even though she doubted her ability as a mother. How could someone who'd been raised by a drunk and was the product of a rape possibly be a good mother? That didn't stop her from staring at babies in the supermarket or at the park and wishing she had a little one to cuddle. She wasn't naive to the fact that babies were hard work, though, and she knew that she had a high-demanding career. Babies deserved to have someone who could love them unconditionally at all hours of the day. A child needed a mother who would be there and dependable. Olivia knew firsthand what it was like to wake up in the morning and have her mother unavailable. Usually she would find her mother passed out in bed drunk at all hours of the day.

Olivia sometimes thought about what or who she would be if she wasn't a detective. She usually didn't come up with much, though. Being a detective was all she knew. She'd done it for over half her life. If she wasn't a detective, she would be nobody. Being a detective is what defined her. She was defined by her career.

Could she put her all behind her and become a mother? Could she be a mother _and _a detective? It was a lot to rationalize, and then there was Brian. Brian, who she didn't even know if he _wanted _children. It wasn't something they talked about frequently, and when she did bring it back, he was quick to change the subject. But now he _did _have a son, and she'd seen him just briefly with Cooper. She'd seen how Brian had lit up when he laid his eyes on Cooper. She could tell he adored the boy, and Brian wanted to be a good father to him. Knowing that, gave Olivia a glimmer of hope.

What if she'd lost the baby? Was she even still pregnant? Her hands gently felt over her belly, wondering. Then she looked up and saw Brian in the doorway.

"Hey, Sunshine. You're awake," Brian smiled warmly, his cumbersome brown eyes gazed at her across the room. His placid disposition confused her as she struggled to read the signals his body gave off while he walked toward her.

"Hey," Olivia said hoarsely, still shivering. "Where were you?"

"I was settling Cooper in with a neighbor," Brian explained, setting his gentle, warm hand on her forehead while he brushed her hair back. "How are you feeling?"

"Cold," she stated, shaking. "Can you see if you can get me another blanket?"

"Of course," Brian nodded. He took his hand off her and stuck his head out the doorway. "Hey, Nurse! Can we get some more blankets in here?" Olivia couldn't hear the other side of the doorway, but Brian turned around and gave her a thumbs up. "They're bringing you more blankets."

"Great," Olivia sighed.

"Liv, what happened?" he instantly asked, sitting in the chair next to the bed and taking her hand. "One minute…" he gulped, "Carin was crashing, and I looked over at you...and you were on the ground."

"I blacked out," Olivia said. "I don't know why." _No harm in a little white lie, _she thought, trying to read Brian's face. Had the doctors told him about the baby? Surely, they knew.

"The doctors won't tell me anything because we're not legally married, and I'm not listed on your health directive," Brian grumbled. "We need to change that."

Olivia nodded. She'd been meaning to update her contact list, but she hadn't gotten around to it. Truthfully, she almost never got sick, and when she did, she preferred not to be surrounded by people. She hated to be seen weak and vulnerable. Brian seeing her like this, right now, was almost too much to bear. Yet, he remained cool and calm. That was one thing she loved about Brian: His ability to handle a crisis without acting like the world was ending.

"Carin," Olivia whispered. "Is she…?"

Brian nodded. "She passed away shortly after the doctors took you out of the room." He shook his head. "Poor Cooper. He's taking it really hard, and he was worried about you too. He thought God was taking both his mommies from him at the same time."

_Both his mommies_, Olivia thought painfully. She had barely interacted with the kid, and he was already calling her _Mommy_? It just seemed too surreal. Kids had always taken a liking to her. She remembered when Calvin had started calling her _Mom__. _But Calvin had lived with her for a few weeks. Cooper didn't even _know _her, outside of what Brian might have told him.

_"Are you my new mommy?" _Cooper's words before Hell engorged their lives echoed in her head. She was sure Cooper was a great kid. He seemed like a good kid, but she didn't know how to respond to that question. With all that was currently happening, it seemed uncanny. She'd always wanted a child, but never in her wildest fantasies had she imagined one would come into her life under these circumstance. That _two _could possibly come into her life. She remembered how nervous Brian had looked when he'd first told her about Cooper, like he'd thought she might leave him. Like he'd thought she might not want to be part of Cooper's life.

She did. She definitely did. That didn't ease the situation, though. If anything, it made it worse.

"Poor kid," Olivia said. "I feel really bad."

"It's not your fault," Brian insisted, intertwining his fingers with hers. "It's not." He leaned in and softly kissed her forehead.

"I know," Olivia insisted, biting her lip. She wanted to tell Brian about the baby. _The doctors haven't told him anything_, but she knew the timing couldn't be more morbid or more awful.

A nurse soon arrived with more blankets, so she was no longer an iceberg. She also took Olivia's blood pressure and temperature. "You have a fever of 102, which would explain why you're cold," the nurse explained. "I'll send the doctor in to talk to you."

Olivia nodded, trying to read the nurse's expression. She gripped onto Brian's hand. Had she lost the baby? Is that what the doctor would tell her? Or, was she having a miscarriage?

She'd dreamt about what it would be pregnant for so many years. She'd dreamt about her belly growing swollen with her child and her boyfriend or husband's child. Over time, the man in the picture changed. She'd never dated anyone for as long as she'd been with Brian. She'd never lived with any of her boyfriends before Brian. Was she delusional to think just for a moment, despite all adversity, that her dreams _might _become a reality?

Or maybe it was just too good to be true.


	7. Chapter 7

"I am so sorry, Olivia."

Her head spun.

The doctor's voice was grave as he explained to her that she had experienced an ectopic pregnancy, a pregnancy where the fetus develops in the fallopian tube. They had surgically removed the pregnancy while she was passed out to stop her from hemorrhaging.

Her baby was gone. A large lump formed in her throat. She wanted to cry, but the tears didn't shed. Brian grabbed her hand, and she saw the sadness written all over his face too. He hadn't even known she was pregnant.

"I'll leave you two alone to talk," the doctor said and did just that. He'd explained that they wanted to keep her overnight for observation, and then she could go home tomorrow afternoon. The doctor also recommended she take the rest of the week off.

Because she could totally afford to do that, and she didn't want to, either. With the loss of her unborn child looming, all she wanted to do was work. She didn't want to lie here in this hospital bed, mourning the loss that she'd barely even known. After all, she'd just found out she was pregnant today. She couldn't sit around and do nothing.

Every time her life took a turn in an uplifting direction, she was shoved right back down. It was like the Universe had it out for her. Why was that? Why must the world always crap on her? Everyone else was able to have wonderful families with beautiful babies. Everyone else was able to have a career, a family, and a life. Not her. Her profession was all she had. It was all the Universe allowed her to have.

And Brian. If he didn't leave her now, too. Then she would be all alone, forever and for always. What if that was her destiny? She'd lived alone for so long. Maybe that's how it was supposed to be.

She'd almost forgot about Cooper. With the heavy, painful weight of the loss of her and Brian's baby, she had forgotten about Cooper, a little boy who'd just lost his mother. His mother, the parent who had raised him, the only parent he had known for the majority of his life. Poor boy.

She thought of Cooper; the thoughts really put her life into perspective. Just when she thought it bad, she realized someone else had it worse. Cooper was a just a boy, a child who's very much alive. A child whose life entire life is ahead of him.

Olivia looked at Brian. He wasn't crying, but the sadness in his eyes were woeful, grimacing, and aching. The pain stood out. She could tell he was hurting.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Brian finally whispered. He gulped on the saliva in his mouth then raised his voice, "Why, Liv?" She sensed anger.

"Bri, I just found out today. Right before you told me about Cooper," Olivia whispered, softly adding, "I promise. I was going to tell you later...I just, I didn't think it was right to tell you with all that was going on with your son."

He gripped her hand, squeezing it tightly, shaking his head grimly.

"I'm so sorry," Olivia murmured.

Brian didn't look at her. Eye contact wasn't one of his strengths. She knew that he struggled to look people in the eye, particularly when the situation was awkward or when he was upset. "Don't apologize," he whispered, looking at her hand, folding her hand into a fist for her and snugly fitting her fist in between both of his large hands. He gently stroked her knuckles. "It's not your fault, Liv. There's nothing you could have done."

She nodded. "I know. I know. I just...I feel such a piece of crap." It was the truth.

His neck jerked toward her and their eyes finally met. "Don't say that," Brian huffed. "You're not a piece of crap." He leaned forward and kissed her forward. "You're everything. You're my everything." Their faces were centimeters apart, they were close enough that she could see the glimmer of tears in his eyes, even if not shed. Seeing him this sad made her want to burst into tears. Brian Cassidy wasn't a crier, yet his eyes showed that he was holding them back.

"So you're not leaving?" Olivia swallowed hopelessly, truly expecting he'd take off. She wouldn't blame him if he did, after all.

Brian looked taken aback by the accusation. "I could never leave you, Liv," he replied earnestly. "Never...besides, Cooper needs a mother, and I can't think of a better mother for him than you."

Olivia bit her lip, astonished by Brian's openness, and also doubting the words coming from his mouth.

"Are you sure?" Olivia whispered solemnly. "Because I'm not so sure the universe thinks I'm cut out for motherhood."

Brian swallowed, kissing her hairline. "Liv, did you ever think that maybe the Universe has a plan for you, and this is it? This is the family we're supposed to have, Liv."

She allowed Brian's words to sink in, and she realized he was right.

The next afternoon, she and Brian took Cooper back to New York City. She didn't have a baby, but she had an intelligent, bright, nine-year-old boy to mother, and she couldn't be happier or prouder.

This was the family she was meant to have.

_-FIN-_

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><p><strong>AN: I had to finish this story. I know it's short, but it gets the point across. I lost my SVU muse a long time ago. I'm in the process of removing incomplete stories from this site, though, and this is just one story I couldn't leave incomplete. I'm evil, but I'm not that evil.**

**I toyed with how to end this story for the longest time. Originally, she wasn't going to lose the baby, because that seemed too devastating, too heartbreaking for me, and I didn't think I could do it. The more this story loomed in my head, though, the more I realized that it's what had to happen. I hope you won't be too pissed at me. The ending is really intended to be bittersweet. **


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